The frustration of a lost state of mind
There was a time when my mind was clear and problems rolled off my back like a slimy egg on a hot car hood. That was dumb...but descriptive. Anyhow, I was living in Manhattan, working from 10 to 7, taking care of my dog and trying to write music. Even though I was not very productive, I didn't care. Instead I was just happy. The reason for this is that I was a chronic meditator. Every morning I would wake up early, take my dog to the dog run, then come back home to sit for 20 - 30 minutes. That's all it took to transform my mind and my life from a scatter-brained exercise in energy expenditure to a safe, comfortable exercise in equanimity.
Now that I'm a scatter-brained dynamo again, I look back to that calm time with yearning and jealousy. Seems kind of stupid that I am experiencing jealousy over myself; and furthermore that it's not aimed at a huge feat of accomplishment like constructing the pyramids or developing a cure for macular degeneration. I'm jealous of when I used to do less. All I would need to do is sit still for 20 minutes. Ahh, but the bane of growth and evolution is that naivete fades to stark reality. I can now see that I hesitate to start a new meditation practice because of all the previous times that I've 'failed' at it. At least 20 times in the past 5 years I've decided to fix my life and start a schedule of exercise and meditation; and usually a hundred other things all at once. Well, no wonder I have not succeeded at continuing with it. I now have a negative Pavlovian response to the idea of meditating. It's sad and should be rectified.
Today I will just read a bit from one of my meditation books. No expectation shall be made as to how I should feel or what sort of benefit I should receive from it. I'll report back here later.
Update:
I feel better now. I listened to Phil Hendrie and that always cheers me up. I also got rid of some of the monkeys on my back by paying off all my bills; some of which I hadn't opened since before christmas! Oh well.... all taken care of now. I also decided to start exercising again tomorrow. I know I do this every 3 months or so, but I see no option but to keep trying. =)
Filed in: Angst • Mindfulness • Meditation •
posted by Myles at
12:53 PM
2 Comments:
Hi Myles
It is interesting that meditation has come to mean "clearing " the mind, in order to find a level of peace. I thought you might like to know that meditation was practiced in the Old Testament, only instead of "clearing" their mind, they would rather concentrate (meditate) on The wonder of God.
When I am feeling low or suffering from life's stresses, I look around me at God's creation; at my wife, or at our four children and consider all the works of His hands.
Job 26:7 "He stretches out the north over the void and hangs the earth on nothing."
"He hangs the earth on nothing." That is truly awsome Myles. ( by the way if He didn't do it; it is some astronomical coincidence)
Psa 119:27 "Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works."
Meditation of this kind brings me an overwhelming sense of peace. For, as it says in the Bible
"Be still, and know that I am God."
Psalm 46, verse 10.
God bless
Dave
6:17 PM EST
Yes, many people misunderstand what meditation is like. It is used for both clearing the mind of it's agitation and schizophrenia, and also to concentrate on specific objects of meditation. This can be any thought you wish to further explore, monastic or secular.
Again, I do not believe in Jesus. I used to be a very 'devout' born-again. It's true that I sometimes felt somewhat less lonely, but it was a delusion. I would rather experience reality than delusion, even if that delusion appears to be more comfortable. People are human beings, and human beings are mammals with sophisticated brains and opposable thumbs. We're all products of our genetics and our socio-cultural environments. Therefore, if that society or culture does not present 'the jesus option' of salvation to every individual, your God is an unjust being. I'm pretty sure you would not agree with that. Lucky for you it's not true! The reality is that the whole thing is a silly fairy tale invented by people in ages long gone. To be a christian, you must ignore mountains of evidence, logic and honesty. In return you gain a warm feeling of always having a friend around. Not worth it to me. I'd rather take the red pill and marvel at the infinite complexity and beauty of the real world.
10:56 PM EST
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