Me Bashing

I really have a hard time figuring out what to do when I hear my dad laughing at a gay-denigrating comment. I mean, I know my dad loves me. He's generally not afraid to tell me so or to show me with a nice heartfelt hug. But he has this friend and when they get together it's like the "good ol' boys" hanging out, telling un-PC jokes and laughing about them for way too long.

I don't know why being gay is such a horribly negative thing in our culture. Why does anybody give a shit really? I mean, the whole fucking country is petrified of being called gay. Seems like a silly thing to waste your energy being afraid of. If someone called me a sheep fucker I think I'd probably laugh at them. But since I'm a gay person and not a "bestialist" I suppose it doesn't push my buttons in the same way.

Today my dad, his friend and I were having lunch together. We were getting along fine and laughing at stupid stuff until the conversation turned to this psychic woman that my dad's friend had gone to see. Apparently she told him lots of "impressive" things, including that he and my dad had been friends in a previous life. This of course led to a full 30 minutes about how they weren't "that kind of friends", and that "I hope that's not what she meant." And I was sitting right there thinking "ummm... my dad and his friend are now arguing about how horrible and repulsive it would be to be me."

Now I'm not stupid. I know that's not literally what they were thinking, and I know they were just joking around with each other. Still, I couldn't help feeling like the retarded kid they were telling retard jokes about.

So should I just let it slide and try to be secure enough in my dad's love for me to know that he didn't really mean it? Or should I tell him that I didn't like being in that situation? I'm afraid that'll just make my dad think I'm being a little pussy whose feelings are always in danger of being hurt.

The irony is that this friend of my dad's has a 28 year old son who was staring at me uncomfortably for several hours the other day. So somewhere in the back of my mind I'm wondering if they both try to mask their fear of the other one finding out about their shameful gay son by spouting their macho, gay-maligning humor and nervously laughing at each other?

Filed in: Angst • Homosexuality • Psychology